nameless. this depressive disgust comes in cycles // the same conversations // the same faces // words of worth engulfed in dirt // all my substance lost in long winded give ins // but the days keep getting longer // we forgive each other. forgive me. we hang onto threads that are barely breathing // concepts of emotion plague my memories // a myriad of remnants affirming beliefs carved into my mind like holding stone. i am the beaten horse. i am self sufficient. i am nothing. the days get longer // we lose each other

Each night, I decorate the walls of my room with sketches of a city I've never seen. (I've held the same air in my lungs for the past seventeen years- I think it's time for a fresh breath, but only as time will allow. Do you think that you can trick time into thinking that it never passed? Do you really think each new memory can just replace the last?) I pay attention to the finer details, like the crooked and tired buildings that cast shadows over lonely playgrounds and the dim lamp posts lighting the road like an infinite set of sad eyes. When it's time to sleep, I lay on my back and stare at my makeshift night sky. I always forget the stars. And each morning, when I wake, I always wake up alone. So I erase my walls and start again. Do I dare disturb the universe?

Everyday is a new day to breathe hate, reinstate what the world tells me is right. Find the truth, but what for if it’s all a lie? These questions, clutter minds over and over again. I remember when I was so nieve that I thought I didn’t deserve a dead ending, I think its time I opened up my eyes, open my eyes and see renewed spite. ‘Cause I am not the man I wanted to be when I got here, I am nothing short of lost. Everyday is a new day to breathe hate, reinstate what the world tells me is right. What the world tells me is right. I’m not sure when I gave up trying to set myself straight, ’cause I give in and I give in. I want nothing more of this, I want nothing more of this. I matter no more, I am nothing, I am nothing, I am just a selfish waste of a human life.

take the door off its hinges find the nails behind the clock run around the house until everyone wakes up. the thermostat is on so turn the dial off wearing layers inside waiting for summer months.

Our faces turned paper-thin glass Sandlots bereft and torn Have weathered the time We’re off course from better distractions Our faces turned paper-thin glass Sandlots bereft and torn Have weathered the time Tie my words to the back Of my tongue

We're standing still on a mountain of dirt Shooting BB guns at clouds and hitting our feet (On a mountain of dirt) We're not alone when we're breaking the teeth The mouth has swallowed more than we know This town is a coal dusted train wreck Slums and junkies Kids on the rails in stagnant dens of smoke Lone mothers, empty bottles, noses of coke We are not awake enough

Too much to say / too little too late / these four walls could never keep all the thoughts of you in the back of my mind from trickling to the tip of my pen / the ink pours like blood from the tip of my tongue / but the hatred I feel / it’s not for you / but the things you said and the things you did not do / these unfinished entries are all I’ve got left / I’m still here holding on to what’s already dead / keeping it alive within my own head / this migraine is endless / I can’t explain the pain I’m feeling inside / but if you would only let me I could show you / that is if you wanted me to / I’m such a fool / I remember when you said “we’ll meet again when the leaves fall” / well they’ve fallen along with every hope / buried beneath the leaves and the snow / though I might not show it / simply put I’ve been desperate / it takes a weak man as strong as I am to admit that / this past year has been one of my worst / distance has more than one meaning for us / and the closer I get the more distant I become / I have no shoes for you to walk in that could help you understand just what I’ve been running from / but maybe just your bare feet would be enough / at least then you might see why I have been so cold / I took your word / it led me down a dead end road.

slip your fingers just beneath the collar of my sleeve crook my shoulder and lay your tired temples in between plant me in your soil and uproot me like a wisping willow tree peel me open and see what secrets i've hidden underneath but i'm blissfully unaware of the words that i've left in there so bite my tongue and close me up trace your fingers down the atlas of my torn and tattered veins all the worn-out spots and all the nooks and crannies stay the same but i don't have the heart to tell you all the roads are flooded due to rain and we'll both be washed out, little itsy-bitsy spider down the drain and i'm as scared as i can be with my mirror looking back at me he's fillin' up my head with my darkest memories but i can count on you to see my reflection less menacingly yours is the only love i need to keep my sanity

sleeping in is getting old so i'm lying down, continually unsure wondering why i waste my time i looked up. now i'm out of touch with what i thought i once was i'm standing now but i dont know how much trust i have in myself or anyone else my hands are becoming too weak to hold onto my own head i'm exhausted from telling myself that i really know nothing what keeps me from leaving this room is the memories i have of the time that i sat here and held onto something i said but i'm over it what makes me feel so weak is my inability to walk out from under this fucking ceiling no one knows why my head is numb it's all a part of why i can't feel sad when i know that it's worth it i'm done trying

I’m putting time and effort into hopeless dreams, That I can’t ever think of fulfilling. The people I love, the ideas- idealized Have all been forgotten or left behind. I keep trying and thinking of way to remember But when everything counts there’s nothing ever there. But, right now I see myself standing alone I thought that we were all together. But nothing ever stays the same. I knew this long ago, But I must have forgotten. Don’t let me blend in with the past, I can’t promise that I’ll be there in the future. But, right now I see myself standing alone.

There's a part of me that I am missing I keep searching just to end up at dead ends A return to the start. An attempt to mend a heart. But how can you find what you know doesn't exist? I know that I never will but I'm too human to care. There's a sickness inside of me that refuses my will. Everything I love must someday disappear It's that void, a truth, that I cannot fill. I'm a human being. I cannot be defined. I can make my own life or I can take it. I still carry the weight of those words with me.

buy everything that’s left. but there’s nothing left. time’s up, times are up. consume. clean your plate and make room for more. hollowleg. it just pours and pours out. shopping lust. we never see it leave. nothing ever, ever goes away. buy anything so you don’t need anyone. deep pockets, deep graves.

I don't know what to blame for why I shy away so much But I'm taking steps forward towards facing all of my faults Take my ego hostage; sign the ransom note as the holy ghost and bring my agnostic eyes to the pit of my chest, the sightline of my stomach because i can't digest a single thing about this place And when I die I won't know anything and it won't mean a fucking thing It's going to come down soon, I've been running scared I don't feel prepared Oh my sweet serene, don't I love how you've been watching me? I take the good with the bad, I guess, at least someone's watching, I validate my existence through self loathing And when I look at my life, it's a procession through fluorescent lights A synthetic sun I keep shying myself away from And when I think of all the people I've wronged I just want to be left alone But I'm forever stuck here to reflect You know I hate how I get but this distance is developing And I can't lie in the same grave for a week at a time in my ever-changing mind This destiny draws into a black hole and I'm circling the drain as I wait for the end Now I know why I'm afraid to die, I'm just so sick of crossing lines and I feel as if I fucking hate myself As if I can't relate to anyone outside my self To anything at all, so sick of building walls Like I scared my self out of it Because whenever I leave the house I just want to go back inside and I guess that's why I can't believe the myth that we are always moving forward

It’s the artist’s postpartum depression that plagues my generation Nowhere to go in the valleys between corpulent cities a balancing act between: excess and Death which end is ours, unshown and unknown Where are our defining marks when all we’ve known: are highways lined with trailer parks? Vomit stench trends- our noses in the air to pretend the littered river and rotten livers are a godsend; Passionless, possessive relationships: itching for the scent of spit Our hopes co-opted and stolen by commercial tropes. Never finding that perfect rhyme, waiting for a brighter sun to rise Always killing time; Forever in decline. Living terrified, gassed in our beehive Doors shake The ground quakes Jesus breaks Up rises the concrete filled lake wide-eye we drown while awake Inhale the liquid deep Filter oxygen and creep Begotten from the gutter To the surface, flailing harder One day we’ll arrive, dry, reconciled, and alive.